-So yeah this girl
-Yeah what about her man, tell me the craic
-Fuck boy wait’ll ye hear, she’s unreal like
-Aye watch the lingo, mate
-Right. The woman.
-Yeup.
-Well she’s known for givin’…
-Givin’ wha?
-Telepathic Blowjobs.
-What the fuck?
-Aye man, swear to God.
-But, like, how does that even work?
-Right, so say you’re sittin’ in the house, lockdown and that, feelin’ a bit lonely or whatever; you drop the money into her account, and she’ll sort ye out within the next half hour.
-Fuck.
-I know, mate, I know.
-Have you had one?
-Have surely, mate, blew the fuckin’ head off me, highly recommend it.
-But here?
-Wha?
-What does she look like?
-Hardly fuckin’ matters like, does it?
-Well ye never know, she could be a pure munter
-Aye but at the end of the day like, she gets the job done
-Yeah, but it could be a fuckin’ man or anything
-It’s not a fuckin’ man, lad, I’m tellin’ ye, this is the real deal
-Fuck I dunno mate, I’d probably start feelin’ a bit uneasy while the whole thing was happenin’
-Why like? Just relax, mate, experience of a lifetime
-Aye, but it’s the not knowin’!
-Tell ye what, the first one’s on me
-What you mean you’re gonna..?
-Naw ye wab, I’ll pay for your first, a wee freebie, just think of me like a degenerate uncle
-Mate, I’m feelin’ uneasy as it is here
-Dude just go with it, best decision you’ll ever make in your life, ask anyone
-Where ye goin’?!
-Am away home! Can’t be fuckin’ sittin’ round here when you’re gettin’ your dick sucked
-Mate, don’t leave me…*DOOR SLAMS*…Mate!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Fuck off all yo peoples who once before were said to be writing about nahin nor fuck all cause there’s nahin more to say no nahin so say it all let it go it gone go gone go fuck go now flick away ye cunt fuck shite fuck cunt shite fuck cunt shite cunt fuck wank fuck yes. Aye fuck shite wank cunt fuck shite wank fish cunt past n’ sauce and brown sauce and rotten oul crusts of bread that ye wouldn’t feed the birdies. Pic n’ mix that dirty wee bastards have had all their sticky wee stink fingers peckered through stealin’, lickin’, drop, lick, re-drop, pick, bite, set it down ye cunt ye run off without payin’. Four fuckin’ weeins. Four wee weeins sittin’ cute lookin’ or so ye misremembered. Multicultural fuck isn’t that nice. Wee bastards cursin’ from the age a nahin and fukin spoutin shite. One of them has a bigger head that the rest, you can hear it when he speaks. The coloured fella’s got cool Portuguese rhythms in his English and these wee fuckers know fuck all difference between the other anyway regardless of race sexuality creed colour the rest of it. Wee bastards. Don’t know how good they’ve got it. But here it is nice to see right enough like, from a distance like, from a distance.

See here’s ma theory right now wait’ll ye hear. Kay, when the appearance of such a scene greets us, and meets with a hope, fanstasy or whatever the fuck pre-existing within our psyche, see the fuckin scene ye link it up like fuck and then ye think the fantasy’s right bang there, but the fuckin closer you get to that cuntin’ thing, the more ye realise it’s all just cunt, and that your fantasy was nahin. Nahin. So yep, the mind plays tricks on ye, fuckin romance. Not every time like, but more often than not, yours dreams: they get shat on.

Now ye may be questionin’ why my dreams involve the interplay of four urchin minors. Well, I’ll fuckin’ tell ye, I was thinkin’ of equality. Of fuckin’ weeins, that I one day may be havin’ one. Of the beauty of the fuckin’ world and me own childhood. Right. And I’ll go one better, the wee urchin bastards, who swore so offensively and betrayed my fuckin dream the shites. I was much the same as them. Cheeky wee fuckers stealin’ and cursin’ and strangely smilin’ and managin’ to remain cute and hopeful and sweet that whole time. Like somethin’ out of a play.

So aye. Me own offspring will likely enough be of the same ilk, but it was shockin’ to see it, to be reminded of it, it truly was. I have been out of touch a long, long time. The fuckin’ kids.