Scrub My Yogurt Pot


A foot upon which to pivot
At worst should warrant your best
And if the shoe won’t fit in fairness
Then you’ve only your trainer to blame

A man of years should see to it
The prevailing angle from his hind
Must assist in the furthering, no doubt of it
Of his worse foot to be fitly made

The worser foot to meet by half
Of the one in favour having seen
Much advancement by the tripping step
Ought to be assisted, with patience met

A worthy man it would become
Him who plays off his bad foot well
Ambidexterity, and a reel of angles unbeknownst 
Should place him neath any good man’s guard

So I’ll see you in the field m’lad
Or perhaps on the canvas truth be known
And you would be ready and best prepared 
For the unlikely fella who sees it rare

If you should win against me once
My respect you will find a fellow fine
Let me conquer you twice times over
It’s my regard you’ll be chasing mind

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It all soon seems like nothing
Your efforts a sad lament
Quickened to it in the moment
Robbed the meaning in greed

But any good labour will find its price
And it’s not for us to know the good done
A blessing or two is yours mind you
In Meryl’s words: it’s a hell of a vice

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Fuck this plastic sandwich

And the plastic bastards

Who sanctioned its existence

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There’s a bluffing statistician 
Eating walnuts in the hall
Waiting for an apparition 
Pasty-faced to call

He calls by intuition
And mourns his nation’s loss
While grinning fools drink up their fill
Matched well at pitch and toss

The way the papers paint it
You’d think it oh so true
That the fiction they depicted
Would birth a boy named Sue 

And though they studied
All their days and
Breached fraternal law

Again the friend
Who bending lends
Seen past all that they saw

Unseen it gleams and machines reams
It feeds on foolish love
These number men go numb again
And look to God above

Any poet that wrote his quota
Went his own way see
The only consolation due
Is what you paid to see

Byron knew a thing or two 
His buckled foot would not undo 
That rarer knowing if only you
Could know the cost of making do

Jealousy we ease in jest
Ahead of our own betterment
Go meet the darkened broken man
And share your part in this here plan

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In the silence easy
You laid me down
Kis-sed my eyes 
Sent me blessings

It’s true I found you
At the far side of the ocean
And dreamed your being
From sketches you made

In another land
Where we bled the phase
And roamed so lonely
In gardens wet with winter rain

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Yonder calling out your name
In the firing sun that lit our gloom 
Homeward going sailors pecked the hill
And I embraced your countenance divine

It was all I could do to be for you
In that embrace you met me fierce
Bliss bled from the poppies surrounding
And salved the summer sweet knots’ pain

I write to you still and turn
As your flesh beckons blushed enchanted
I heard those whispers through the night
And paused to brace this interlude

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Your crown aglow along the lane
Teased embers and the tidings breezed our bones
Your sweet structure crushed against me, though cushioned
Inspired that brush with lips so thrilling

The sweetness of just ripe berries
Are but a breath of your fragrant pipping scent
And so the bottling has begun in earnest
Since battles fierce were won for this

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Crippled stripling makes it way chirping
Among its familiars who hop in their fashion
Nimble lanes call on twists particular
As if a lane could ever hop you up it

Diving beaked-things dart and it’s tragic
Enough to smile upon the smoking gatehouse
Remark to oneself the peculiarities 
For the crippled are geared-up as such

Infant freely flies free of fear in fact
And look there at those young becoming men
They could learn a thing you’d think at once
Simply smiling sensible parent. Fly on

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I have a friend who’s fond of plants
He’s an infuriating expert to be exact
I don’t begrudge him the mastery in any case
It’s that he has remedies for the ticking of a clock 

Or the untying of a shoelace when you’re on the bloody glider
His poems are very nice, you’d like them
He’s quite insane I know 
Might have something to do with us getting along

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Rub your thumb along
The edge of this here knife
It’s been dubbed the dagger of spoof

It came with this here costume
And it’s no good for cutting cheese

And here look at this wee glass
This is for spitting tobacco in

I sell it back to the shops
As like a wire wool substitute 

The wee Chinese woman and me
Get on great 

For all I know
She’s plotting to murder me

You see why they don’t let me out?

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There was a time
When the sight of a child
With half the bread of bag
Was as common as the dustmen

Apparently though
A duck died, or swole up
Something ridiculous
And they’re scaling the whole thing back

You’d be warned off
Climbing a tree
Or picking up a wad
Of pre-chewed, trod on gum

Out the back
Was the greatest 
Playground of all
But they’ve closed that now

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At peace I sit and pray a bit at nobody in particular
What you’d call strays suggested themselves sometimes as impulse
And were duly disregarded as they strayed again hungrily from my doors

Is it possible that a man like me should inhabit a horse in daring?
I’ve to go racing now over these hills so to honour this gentle spirit
I’ll waken again in Belfast rain and you’ll be none the wiser

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Walked in the steps of a smacked up addict
Through peaceful terraced rows
Saw a nurse and came to know
Myself just then as a seasoned alco 

With matching feet for to shuffle with
I shuffled furious at first then calm
The vehicle I had taken had only one speed
I didn’t know what way to look

But grimaced after a mean faced uncle
Course I’ve to relate it all a la cowboy
Only cause the truth of it would’ve broke your heart 

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Looking back
The fact that I’d been made to bend over
Only to find
That the dead on doctor was wearing converse

At the time I thought him very unprofessional 
My conception of the word was at that time probably up for abortion

Looking back yeah
He was a hip old guy
Don’t let the white coat fool you
That’s all I’m saying

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Still Buck Leppin

Little girls doused in their mother’s perfume
Demented seaman with the soot-flecked moustache
Crooked-legged alco ladies lamenting
This street corner set for joy on a greying day

Rhinestone homeward angel long gone
Star-crossed Christy peels Christ from a post
Edwardian Alison in threadbare furs fairs ‘cross a black frost street
Black dead thoughts make the Wednesday meet

Welcome to reality
It’s how you dress up
You see it, now you don’t
Maybe one day you’ll see the point

Soldier on they say and smile
Sat there praying all the while
That sweating thus we’ll tip the still
With tinctures then they’ll print their pill

I can grate on you without
The shame the pain or any doubt
It’s something that you’re born to see
Now come and earn your black degree

Welcome to reality
It’s how we dress it up you see
First you see it, then you don’t
Maybe now you get the point?

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Duke Ellington
Scribbled John
Coltrane’s name
Into his little brown book

You understand
Duke’s scribble
Would cause a
Calligrapher to expire

He wrote expressly
For his players,
Duke. Some allowance
Being made for a soloist

Some doubted Coltrane
As a man for ballads,
Sideways speaking, his
Escapade was confined most grandly.

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You’d want not
To do your wrists in
With the incessant
Writing of poems

Tis, so it’s said
Better to serve the interlude,
A favour also
To one’s keening mind

Brains are funny things
And you’d not want it all dried up
Too liable then to be concussed
By the blow of some drunken codger

It’s hard to say
Where they come from, poems
All I’m saying is to mind your faculties
Lest this blessed magnet have no further use for you

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One can be corrupted, you know
As silly a thing as it sounds;
I’ve seen saints rage unholy tirades,
In a tame sort of tawdry manner, albeit

Yes there exists a sweet purity
In forgiving the follies of your neighbour
Before lashing him repeatedly with good vigour,
Forgiveness has its place alright

Even now there’s a fool troubles my mind
His proximity alone shames nuns into hiding,
Great remonstrators have held court, oh the drama;
We had to kill him in the end.

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As an older person I am obliged
To proffer these tidbits. They may well
Prove erroneous, long after you’ve lost
Whoever it was promised first their value

All that I can venture, is that this may
Be in the very nature of giving advices
Not to mention the serendipitous manner
In which they are hoped to be received

Yes without taking too much of your time
Understand that it will come your turn
To glint the eye and tighten the urging grip
So that some other young scoundrel may scoff

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They may have captured it better then
Before digital tricks and that cursed bug
Something like an old camera rigged
Up perhaps to your father’s gramophone?

Then again the wrinkled and greying
Are prone to shine their fading lamps
Haphazard somehow in a manner revealing,
Pertaining to equipment I can only splutter

If it were horses you’d want the knowing of
Jesus boy I could scour your very mind in a blink
That were if the notion were to stir in me
Which e’en had I allowed it, never was enough to break the peace


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Pass down that hat, boy!
I’ve a mind for adventure.

Roving along hi ho we go
Fill the canteen with good water please

I say, what goes yonder?
Stay close now there’s danger

Nantucket, we’ll cross that old gone bridge
Injuns. Must’ve come up from the Free state

We’re going to make a trade, m’boy;
Quilts and beads, for to please the women

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The difficulty being, are you listening?
Yes, it being, against the Cuban: it’s their rhythm
Syncopated in a fashion unfamiliar to us, I mean, the Irish
There are few at hand who would dance at them

Now of course I am drawing the musical comparison
As a beneficial equivalent when attempting to dissect
The problem in its entirety. It’s a rare one indeed
That possesses the inbuilt ability even to see themselves pass with a good Cuban

So what I’m trying to get at here
We pick out the likely candidate
And from an early age immerse them
So that they have every chance

If they can compete in those realms with the Cuban
So too can they with the elite in any culture
With all of their rhythmic and technical peculiarities.
There are musicians that come to know it…

Come, let’s rare the pale Irishman, and yes the fighting colleen
That can measure up to any aficionado’s fancy
And eme-, don’t you call me ridiculous yet, Flanagan,
And emerge one day perchance, as the finest fighter this world has seen.

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He’s a passionate one that, Jesus, what’s his name?
If he’d only plant his feet in reality
It’s as simple as black to white, call me coarse
And maybe I am but I’m a realist, now have that

Yes, ideas a bit too far-fetched, God love him
And that’s before he’s the drink in him
There’ll not ever be an Irishman
To stand with the best of good Cubans, nor the black American for that matter

He did bring that whiskey to be fair to him
And in all honesty I’ve seen young lads at the guitar
Hear me out, I’ve seen them
They can get a handle on the outside stuff, I’ve seen it

We’d spend a generation getting up to speed
With the bloody Cubans, next of all
We’ve fallen out of form with the Russians
Facts are facts, boys. Make sure he pays up.

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Certain things have to be got down
Until they’re intuitive, you’ve to drill it.
Eventually you can get a feel for the finer thing
It would seem that culture has a great thing to do with it.

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When the next curly-headed kid comes straight out
The womb playing them deep blues
We have the habit of saying:
They are possessed of ‘an old soul’

One bespectacled performer comes to mind as having reported
‘Feeling like a black man trapped inside a white man’s body.’
It goes beyond the breadth and depth of the thing vocally
Past still some rare raising of the choir from strings

It’s a connection to the motherland
The black land that bore us too, mind
And if you’re wired up right
Then you’re simply more prone to being electrified

So you can read the hundred books on it
Or debate with drunks in pubs
Chances are though, like the rest of us,
You’re only wired up to the moon

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What makes a good Irishman?
Something that comes between
Watercress, poetry, boxing and whisky
With the diagrams as living organisms

Drink your whiskey
Take a beating
Write the poetry
Watercress for tea

There’s an aulde dishcloth
That yer da wears about the house
As a makeshift flatcap
Talking off the top of his head

He once rinsed
A quarter bottle
Of High Commissioner
All down his face and neck

And came home that night to find you
Wearing his good cloth cap about the house
With everybody in stitches.
He didn’t take it too well, bless him. But that’s another story.

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Uncles are known to be possessed of a strange cunning
They say it relies upon their accepted foolhardiness.
It’s a quare boy indeed who can
Brave cognisance of his own shortcomings for a steely moment

It’s an unsuspected thing altogether
I’ve seen overweight men leap buildings
And though the cracks of their arses were showing
Sure didn’t they land back with your busted ball?

And all they’d to give was a grunt
After you’d managed your faint ‘thank you.’
Uncles aren’t to be ladled
With the everyday commonplace things

Rather they’d be off selling fruit
As you pass up their rust-jacket reels again.
We don’t take the trouble to understand them
Sure what would be the point?

And then of all things we envy their triumph
When some yellow man trickles out counterfeit tales
The puddle spelling something vague, yet essential.
Them boys aren’t to be understood at all.

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I say, it should be mandatory!
And not one of them let away from it
A nation of savages, battering each other
Until there is finally respect and due course given!

Yes, ye old ninny, we do see your point
All we ask is that you refrain from inciting
Mass violence, regardless the respect due those wounded and maimed
You’re perfectly entitled, sir, please just a little civility

The trouble now as I see it, ahem
Is that not every child is fit for athletics
In that they are incapable of even the slightest
And of course in the case of undiagnosed invalids

Yes! The man in the crowd! That lonely child.
How do we remedy his situation? Look at poor Bell there
More talent than the rest of us put together
But he was suffering beyond our very, oh Jesus

Well that’s a matter for the parents, and of…
It’s a matter for society, for the community, but…
Look I don’t think either or any of us can take responsibility for…
But yes I do wish we could’ve saved Bell.

There’s some very good would-be athletes out there
But we’d need a bloody psychiatrist.
I mean we can’t turn him pro at forty, can we?
We maybe could you know, let me have a look

Anxiety and all the rest of it, there’s a lot going on now
Specialist centres! That’s it, I’ve got it!
Specialist centres for the athletically bereft
For the uncared for and exempt. Yes.

They’d be an awful target you know.
Some sort of regulation would really be
Yes I mean we’ve only to look back
Shall we wash our hands then?

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So yes, indeed, we were glad to announce
Young Bell is in for the Jr Paralympics
Young bell? The man’s forty years of age
You say nothing, he’s being tipped for gold…

17 year young Irish Bell, who I must say fights with a great maturity,
Is getting stuck in here to this talented Ukrainian
Bell unleashes a two fisted attack, a furious assault…
The poor Ukrainian is coming apart in there, he really doesn’t have a leg to stand on

You see Bell got gold there in the Paralympics?
Yeah he done well, that fella he fought
The final, he was tearing him limb from limb by the end
Aye that man’s been collecting bronze all his days

So here what’s Bell’s disability?
Aw, he’s got severe tinnitus
Jesus, that doesn’t sound too serious
It affects the balance. Here he comes-

Armitage Shanks

Looked out from my hurt
For the gathered’s benefit
And that in mine
It being my vulnerability 

Often now we trace
Back hand tricks
And conjure visions
Only for our sisters to see

A man and his other
Have to realise this thing
And every resulting craze
Is but their betterment buttered 

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These mouldy poems
Whose essence ye gleaned
In a dumb manner
That was admittedly sweet

The queerness bequeathed it
And fine shenanigans did ensue
An appraisal of which
Will follow surely be to God

You’ve to mind also
Things that were taught to you
Should honesty and fair play
Sit well with your compass as true

And you will be among them
For to get the knowing.
It belongs only
To our man above, I mean it

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It was you all along
In a manner of speaking
Who drove the thing by night

I’d be a fool to surmise
That even one among your number
Would find these far-flung things impossible 

And although you’d counted isolation
A fault in my nature to link the two
Well I’d a heart to keep it from you

We all wish you well
And the reality you must face
Should not be configured with these fond memories

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If all else fails
What about ye?
Do ye mind the time
That I did this and I did that?

Do you mind the time
When we was wasted
And he groped up the sister
Of someone who wasn’t?

Do ye mind
The grinning bake 
Of that bird’s man?
Aye ye do not.

And I don’t need 
To drink nineteen pints
To see past you

And I don’t need
A key up my nose
To see

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You proffer heavy reminiscence
And I just sit
Marvelling at contorted truths

Dreaming up an exchange between us 
Have we earned musgave tonight?
You’d want to be a man by it
But it was only your making as a spiv 

Officers of the law contest
And see your worst inspected so
The corpse you shed they’ll lay
Open to this unforgiving air

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Called upon then
As a representative 
You smothered
As well it is your wont to do

I do every thing I’m meant to
Catch the lowly glowing shoal
Alcohol a’gnaw at me bones
Rather paint the patch askew

We could’ve been talking
Any brand of nonsense
Sleek and savoury
Caressing a lilt in our tongues

Appreciate those mates
Who backed you
Lean into the wind
And whistle holes in clouds

Journalistic dreams won’t quit
And we’re the ones who savour it
Explanations gone and come 
Remind us we were borne to run

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You might say I’m a crazy person
And you wouldn’t be too far wrong

To have had my conscience darkened
And blastened with the clot

Now I’ve got something to write for
Now we have something to fight for

And her hair smells like an old urinal.

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