-Aye lads The Biggest Man in Ireland, 2 weeks away so I’ve loads of time for prep and that.
-What are you on about, mate?
-Aw it’s The Biggest Man in Ireland, 2 weeks. Wee Jimmy’s goin’ in for it.
-Aye, but sure Jimmy’s only 5ft 2.
-It’s not about size, mate! It’s not all about size.
-Fair enough. What do ye hafta do like?
-Everything, lad. Anything. Some lad from Sligo won it last year there for paintin’ a big boat.
-He was a big man though?
-Aye he was a big fella right enough, but it’s not all about that.
-Right. Fuck. Dead on. What have ye got planned then?
-Loads, mate, loads. They put ye through all different rounds, to see how big ye are. First round is, you have to face an old high school teacher and tell them, in no uncertain terms, exactly what you think of them.
-Fuck.
-Yes, mate, it’s no joke.
-Here, fair play to ye like.
– Ano.

———————————————————————————

‘Have ye anything to say for yourself, son?’
Wee Jimmy raised his glass.
‘I’d just like to thank yese all for bein’ here, for coming together to help celebrate my recent victory. I’m hoping that it’s the first of many, and that we can take this thing as far as it’ll possibly go!’
Jimmy’s friends and relatives jeered and cheered, his mates were up the front jostling him, takin’ the piss.
‘Aw Jimmy, son,’ gushed Jimmy’s ma, ‘I always had faith in ye, always knew that you were destined for great things. I know that ye may have lost your way at times along the years, but nobody can take it away from you now. You are: The Biggest Man in Ireland!’

Wee Sandra Delain, from up round the corner, was sitting over near the bar. Jimmy kept one eye on her as his mother continued.
He’d had his eye on her for years in fact. Her da was half-French and had run away when she was a weein. She’d always stood out to Jimmy, a lovely girl, just that something extra about her.

‘Jimmy, son, there’s a man here wants to have a word with you.’
Jimmy snapped out of it. His da was standin’ with a tall tanned fella smokin’ a thick cigar, lookin’ all impeccable in a pinstripe suit. It was non-smokin’ in here but this guy didn’t seem to give a fuck.
He stretched out a brown wooden palm to Jimmy and Jimmy shook it manfully, throwing his shoulders back a little, the words of the former titlist still fresh in his mind, ‘and remember, son, you’re The Biggest Man in Ireland now. Never forget it….’
The man took Jimmy aside from his father.

‘Listen, Jimmy. My name’s Groyt MacFarland, you may have heard of me?’
Jimmy had indeed heard of Groyt ‘The Grinder’ MacFarland, and he knew not to say fuck all. He nodded respectfully and waited for the man to speak.
‘Son, I run the bottlin’ plant out in Mallusk, and I’ve come to offer you a position in the firm.’
He enunciated the words ‘the firm’ rather strangely, rather firmly, or maybe Jimmy’s mind was playin’ tricks on him.
‘You’ll be startin’ from the bottom, son, but with the kind of initiative you’ve shown lately, well…let’s just say, there’s plenty of room in my organisation for young men like yourself.’

‘Men.’ Jimmy thought. He’s never been called a man before, not by someone like Groyt the fuckin’ Grinder. He’d been a lad, a wee lad, a fella, a good young fella, but never a man…he was speechless. And a job! He’d been on the bru for fuckin’ years now… But, shrewd as he was, make no mistake, Jimmy knew fully what kind of offer was on the table here. This was a big step.

‘What’s the matter, Jimmy, son,’ The Grinder laughed deeply, chewin’ like fuck on his big cigar, ‘Are ye afraid of a hard day’s work?’
‘Not at all, Mr MacFarland,’ answered Jimmy, ‘When do ye want me startin’?’
‘Don’t worry about it, Jimmy. We’ll let you know when it’s time to come down.’
‘But…you don’t have my number, Mr MacF-‘
‘Jimmy.’ The Grinder looked stern. ‘Go and enjoy yourself.’

Jimmy stood up and nodded gratefully. All around him the celebrations were in full flow. They had the place decked out great, banners, balloons, a big fuck-off cake with Jimmy’s face on it, the lot. Big John Mooney was on the decks and he was bangin’ them out. ABBA, Michael Jackson, a bitta old school dance. The dancefloor was packed, the lads givin’ it stacks, the ouler wans doin’ a bitta jivin’ an’ that. Jimmy thought he’d keep his cool though, keep a good eye on what Sandy Delain was up to over in the corner. He watched as she sipped from her fancy cocktail glass, high class stuff indeed. At another time perhaps he wouldn’t have had the balls, but his mind was made up now, he was going to make a go for her: Sandy Delain. He made his way smoothly over to where she was sitting, walking with the assured step of a recently celebrated man, cocking his head from side to side in a manner that suggested, no, confirmed, that he knew that he was the balls.

‘Alright there, Sally? You’re lookin’ well tonight.’
‘Jimmy? This is your do isn’t it? Me and the girls just dropped in for a few drinks.’
‘Aye, wee celebration just. Won that there competition sure, didn’t I?’
‘Aye, I head about that, Jimmy. I always knew you’d do somethin’ with yourself.’
‘Well here, look, I was goin’ to say to ye. Am startin’ a new job next week here, was wonderin’ if ye maybe fancied comin’ out for a few drinks with us?’

Sandy Delain looked away for a moment, it seemed she was fumbling in her handbag. She turned around with her hand outstretched to Jimmy

‘Here’s my number, Jimmy. Just you let me know when. Now, look, why don’t ye go on and enjoy yourself, all your pals are waitin’ for ye.’

Enjoy yourself? What the fuck? Jimmy span round from the table in a daze and and stepped towards the dancefloor. His mates were cajoling and carousin’, saying ‘Come on, Jimmy, ya wee bastard, come on ta fuck and enjoy yourself!’ Jimmy hit the floor. He was going to enjoy himself. Fuck the repercussions, fuck lookin’ cool, this was his night, this was his time. ‘Enjoy yourself, Jimmy, just enjoy yourself.’ That’s all anybody would tell him. Aye, he’d climbed the mountain. Now he was getting’ dizzy due to high altitude. But he didn’t give a fuck. He was the hardest man about, loved and respected. ‘Wee’ Jimmy, maybe, but a man. Fuck it, THEE man. Wee Jimmy.