“Clickbait Victims, in their infancy, are very much disposed to a pre-forgetting of all that they encounter. They scour the web in search of their next hit like rabid victims of heroin dependency, bandaged round the ankles, pulling themselves closer to that poison plum with only the draggage of their chins for grip. Recent reports show that as many as 70% of British children are currently enchained, with a further 30% showing signs of pisstoffery.”

-Turn that shite off!
-Aye turn that shite off.
-Yep off ta fuck.
-Yese wan a game a cards?
-Yep
-Yep
-Yep
-Right who’s go first
-Do mine, do mine, do mine
-Kay lad. Ye sure ye want to know?
-Yep. Am ready. Yep.
-Kay. Here we go, iiiiiiiit’s Tarot Time!

-Okay. Your first wife is gonna sue for ten million
-Wa?
-Aye. Then, she’s gonna ride all yer mates
-Fuck off!
-Yep. Then. She’s gonna ride yer brother.
-Fuck aaaaaffffff!
-Yep. Then.
-Wa?
-She’s gonna die.
-Fuck.
-Wa?
-Serves her right.
-Okay. Do ye want me to go on?
-Ahhh, fuck… Lemme hink… …Yep.
-Right. You’re gonna become a millionaire.
-Right.
-Then. You’re gonna lose it all to yer wife.
-Aha.
-Then. You’re gonna make it all back again playin poker, like Dan Bilzarian.
-Holy fuck.
-Yep. Loadsa women. Happy enough?
-Aye.
-Good stuff, stick that back on there.

“I gave all me fuckin money to the orphans!”
“That’s very admirable, son. Good for you.”
“They’re runnin’ around in my good guddies!”
“Well, a well-shod orphan is surely a sight for sore eyes in these blighted times.”
“Have you any orphans?”
“No, sir, the only children I have are belonging to me and are fully accounted for in keeping with government regulations.”
“Aye, you’re sorted. Do ye want any orphans?”
“No. No I don’t. This is Fourstall McJohnstonstuff, reporting for NewsFirstNews.”

So yip, that there was just something that happened, or mighta happened. What really happened though was, I was thinkin what a shite day it was. A real stinkin grey Northern Irish day. Then I thought, wouldn’t it be deadly if we lived in Compton? Like switched places with all the Gs in Compton? Then insteada doin’ buckets we’d be smoking blunts, and drinkin forties insteada buckfast. An all the brothers would be over here probably glad to get a break and enjoying the exotic craic over here, like to them. So aye we’d be in Compton, good tunes and that, good weather. All us boys strapped te fuck in case the cops come, not givin a fuck about the 5-0 cause we’d be strapped to fuck, like yer man outta Fallin Down with the rocket launcher. Anyway, it’d be nice for a wee break and just to see what their craic was like an all. Fresh reputation, new girls, sun fuckin blastin. Us all doin hiphop flat out, the brothers back home doin trad an shit. Be good like. Ye wanna be careful tho too, them boys over in Compton don’t mess about. Fuckin Crips an Bloods, no messin like. Shoot ye just for lookin the wrong way at them. So aye it wouldn’t be all that different except it’d be sunny. Nice wee break like.